Andre
I’m in a new relationship with someone who constantly makes fun of sex and sexual interactions. We’re fine together sexually, but he’s always trying to slight me about being promiscuous (his word), or just having fewer hangups about nudity and sexuality in general. It’s really starting to bother me and I can’t see being in a LTR with somebody who is so bound up about sex that he has to mock it in others. We’re both men. Any advice?
Oof. Well, doesn’t your boyfriend sound like a peach! It seems he’s quite adept at doling out sex-negative microaggressions, and you definitely don’t deserve that kind of treatment.
What's a microaggression?
Microaggressions are characterized as casual everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs and insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages. While the term “microaggression” was originally coined to refer to the daily onslaughts experienced by marginalized groups of people (specifically people of color), your boyfriend is using the same techniques to shame you for displaying unapologetic autonomy over your own body and sexuality.
While these microaggressions may not leave physical bruising or scarring, the emotional and psychological impact of being repeatedly dismissed and invalidated is very real, particularly if the person doing it is someone who is supposed to love, respect and cherish you!
Although microaggressions can feel like a critique or reflection on our own behavior, they’re actually manifestations of the aggressor’s deep-seated fears and insecurities.
I don’t know your boyfriend personally - so I can only hypothesize here - but it sounds like he has some deeply suppressed issues of his own to work through, and instead of choosing to do the work on himself he is instead externalizing those feelings onto you.
These challenges could be related to a conservative upbringing, past relationship trauma, current dissatisfaction with the quality and/or frequency of your sexual relationship, or insecurities about his appearance and perceived desirability in comparison to yours. They could also be related to a fear of abandonment where - in his anxious anticipation that you’ll leave him for someone else, he’s self-sabotaging your partnership in the hopes that if he continues to cut you down you’ll be less likely to pursue outside attention (a strategy that almost always results in the very thing the manipulative partner was attempting to avoid).
Finally, your boyfriend could be experiencing feelings of disempowerment elsewhere in his life and is attempting to establish or reinforce a dominant dynamic in your relationship to feel powerful again by making YOU feel powerless. Regardless of his background or justifications, his behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and I’d recommend he get himself to a mental health professional STAT.
The past might still be present
I’m curious about the promiscuity-related insults you specified, as you don’t mention that you and your boyfriend are currently in a non-monogamous relationship, so I’m going to assume that that particular tactic is utilized to make you feel guilty for your level of sexual activity prior to hooking up with your boyfriend. How toxic of him! Finally, you define the sex you’re having with your boyfriend as “fine”, which isn’t exactly a convincing me that you’re getting your cakes satisfyingly smashed on the regular. All in all, your boyfriend sounds like an asshole who needs to get his shit together before making himself available to date other people.
If I were you, at your earliest convenience I’d schedule a talk with your boyfriend. Be honest about how what he says makes you feel, and ask him to elaborate on what motivates his microaggressive behavior. Make it very clear that this kind of sex negativity will no longer be tolerated in your relationship, and ask him what he’s planning on doing (some actionable items) to ensure the behavior changes.
If he seems sincerely apologetic and is able to connect with you vulnerably and make a plan for working on himself moving forward, great!
If not, go find yourself a boyfriend who will celebrate you instead of attempting to control you. 🦄
Yours,
If you have your own questions about sex, love, relationships, or any of the moving parts involved therein, drop Andre a line at blog@slixa.com. Be sure to use the subject line "Ask Andre," so we know where to direct your thoughtful questions.
