Kitty Stryker

BDSM 101: Negotiating Kinky Play with a Provider

Kitty Stryker’s Avatar Article by Blog Slixa Late Night

The thoughtful advice and opinions of the author of this article are meant to be informative and entertaining and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Slixa.

Going to a provider can be quite the scary experience when you have particular fetishes or kinks you want to explore, but you're not entirely sure how to discuss it. As a culture we're not used to talking about our desires, and that's even more true if they're desires we don't see in the media as "normal".

An advantage of going to a provider is that it's a safe space to explore things you may not feel comfortable exploring elsewhere. We often have a lot of experience in multiple realms of sexuality, and many providers have open minds to various kinks, roleplays and fetishes. But when we live in a society that doesn't help us learn communication techniques for any relationship, it can be made difficult to know how best to negotiate those interests when meeting with an entertainer.

Even so, there's better and worse ways to bring up the conversation. One of my clients overwhelmed me with a two page essay listing out how he wanted his dream session with me to go. As a dominant, that was all good information, but he left little room for me to work with him to create a scene. The best sessions have been ones where I have a general outline of my client's interests and limits, but also have some space to have sexy, flirty surprises up my sleeve. If every move is already dictated, both of us end up bored and stagnating in our play- and who wants that?

At the same time, I had another client where it took multiple awkward sessions for me to work out that what he really wanted was not the schoolgirl spanking roleplay he asked for, but rather a scene where he was bound very tightly and caned. He just didn't have the language, or know that he could have those things outside of a pre-scripted porno stereotype. I still recall the smile that beamed across this face when I worked it out. Had he had some advice to help him out, though, we might have gotten into the juicy stuff even earlier!

Here are a few basic tips to help you talk to your provider about a kinky session in a way that feels good for both of you:

  • Don't wear your gimp suit as a surprise for your session. It can be incredibly startling to have kink suddenly show up in a session as being on the table when it's not been discussed before! Like any other sexual activity, it should be negotiated in advance so we can chat about it and find out what our limits are. 
  • Do be honest about your fantasies, though, rather than bottling it up. We're providers, and we want to make sure you're having the best time you can- and we'd much rather know what you're hoping for than trying to guess from your hints! 
  • Don’t come into telling your provider about your kink when you’re distressed if possible. When you’re anxious and upset, your negative feelings about your kinks can rub off on them. Come from a place of strength, information, and joy, and that'll be a pleasant platform to begin on rather than shame! We're much more excited about something that makes you feel happy than something that makes you feel bad about yourself. 
  • Do investigate some positive portrayals of or resources/forums about your kink to offer if asked. If you leave a provider to Google it, they will probably not only find some porn on it that freaks them out, they'll also end up misinformed. A lot of stuff on the internet is inaccurate, or it just might not represent your particular focus.
  • Don’t push it if your provider is not interested in your particular kink. Sometimes time is enough to make it so your favourite provider ends up bringing it to you, exploring it on their own time and figuring out how they can relate to it and you. If they're really weirded out and you say "Ok, no worries, thanks for taking care of yourself!" even when you're feeling disappointed. They'll feel their boundaries are respected, and that you're not guilting them into things. That's really really important for successful integration down the line. You can always ask if they have any references of someone who's more interested in your particular kink instead!
  • Do compromise! Sure, maybe in the first session you’re not getting that hardcore mummification scene you had in mind, but by taking it slowly and exploring together, you’ll have a much more satisfying experience that is sustainable over the long term. You want your provider to get to know your kink and feel comfortable with it if they haven't experimented with it before, and the more they get into the headspace, the more creative they can be!

With these tips, you can more easily help inform your provider about what you're looking for without making them feel pressured or surprised. Communication is, of course, the best lube!


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