How to Negotiate with a Pro Sub

Avatar placeholder Article by Switch Lori DiLetto Blog Slixa Late Night

The thoughtful advice and opinions of the author of this article are meant to be informative and entertaining and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Slixa.

There are a lot of etiquette guides out there for clients of pro Dommes, but it’s hard to find advice geared towards clients who themselves like to Dom. After seeing such clients for over a year and a half, I’ve learned that the pre-scene negotiation process is the best indicator of how much fun the two of us will have together. If negotiation goes well, he and I will have a blast. If it’s clear he doesn’t know how to discuss what he wants, I know we’ll be running into problems. To show a pro sub that you’re serious and safe, stick with these few recommendations for pre-scene engagement.

1. Don't negotiate in-role. Unless she indicates otherwise, a pro sub doesn’t want to talk about likes and limits with someone who’s already in Dom mode. Approaching her as her equal shows that you know the difference between reality and fantasy, and it allows her to easily and honestly communicate her desires.

2. Know what you want going in. Figure out what sorts of activities you’d like the session to involve, so the pro sub can let you know whether you’re a match. If you’re unsure what activities you’d like to try, or simply want to know some of her favorites, ask her for suggestions. Seeking input isn’t weak; it’s a sign that you’re secure in your ability to accommodate and aware of your own limitations.

3. Be honest about your skill level. Don’t exaggerate your experience and knowledge when it comes to BDSM. Simple activities like flogging can be dangerous if not done right, and you won’t be able to fool a pro with Dom-ly bluster. Show her you care about her safety and tell the truth. A lot of pro subs are very willing to teach you how to Dom and can do so without requiring you to submit.

4. Don’t try to renegotiate at the last minute. If you’re about to start the scene and just remembered there’s something else you’d like to try, it’s best to save it for next time. Pro subs take time to prepare physically and mentally for a scene and may not be ready to accommodate different requests. More critically, last-minute renegotiation may leave her worried that you might try to negotiate again in the middle of the scene when she may be in sub space and unable to properly consent.

In summary, approach a pro sub with the same kind of courtesy and honesty you’d show towards anyone else, and you’ll be sure to be a favorite client.

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